Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
