im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
