I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
