I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
