So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
