she woke up with a sticky ear
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
This toilet bowl is my home.
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