There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
