I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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