The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I think your dad took our porno
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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