I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
