I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We need to get me chipped asap
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
