We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
