I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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