I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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