My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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