Are we in a gay sports bar?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
