I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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