Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
