I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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