Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
