Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Randomize
