I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
