I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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