he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You left your phone here
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