Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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