Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
