I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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