i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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