i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
