dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
