im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
You took a bar mat shot.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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