I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
