So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
