my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
