Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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