now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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