he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
