Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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