u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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