new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
