Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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