you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
