I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
