She's JV to your varsity
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
