i need an iv and a liver transplant
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
