You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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