You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
