He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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