i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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