yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
