I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
