i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
