told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
