OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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