I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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