what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm passing your future prison.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
